Of Dreams and Daughters

“Jesus gave me to you so you could be my sweet and loving Mommy.”  ~ Clara, age 3

“The greatest things in the world come from suffering.  It ought to give us solace.  A lot of what is most beautiful about the world arises from struggle.” 

~ Malcolm Gladwell (RD Interview, 11/13)

This hammer pounds to give me form, this flame, it melts my dreams
I glow with fire and fury, as I'm twisted like a vine
My final shape, my final form I'm sure I'm bound to find
So dream a little dream for me, in hopes that I'll remain
And cry a little cry for me, so I can bear the flames
And hurt a little hurt for me, my future is untold
But my dreams are not the issue here, for they, the Hammer holds
~ Bebo Norman, "The Hammer Holds"

“Here’s a test to see if your mission here is complete: If you’re alive, it isn’t.” 

~ Richard Bach

I’m careful how I tell Clara the story of her coming into our family.  The truth is, she was unexpected and came at a terrible time, according to OUR plan.  In fact, we were pursuing adoption & pretty sure we wouldn’t have any more biological kids -- we just hadn’t done anything permanent yet.    

So, when I started feeling tired and nauseous and just a little, you know, off, as we were going through support raising, I picked up the dreaded pregnancy test.  Unlike the 3 positive tests preceding it, I felt fear, confusion, and sadness when I learned about the tiny person growing inside.  Ironically, a woman who spent many hours at pregnancies centers with women facing "unplanned pregnancies" was now facing one of her own.  I remember David kneeling by the side of my bed as I lay there crying.  “We should pray,” he said quietly.

As time went on, I came to accept the situation and looked forward to meeting Baby Peters #4.  Hopeful that we’d avoid some of the health problems with my pancreas that accompanied the preceding pregnancies and deliveries, we made plans to move overseas 6 weeks after her birth.  She came into the world the day after her dad’s birthday.  She was beautiful and healthy at 8 lbs. 11 oz -- matching her own mother’s birth weight.  Initially, I had no issues with my pancreas. 

 Clara (1 day old) & me recovering in the hospital

Most of you know pretty well what happened in the days and weeks following.  There were trials and trips to hospitals and “Why God?”s until we trudged back to the States 6 months later, feeling defeated.  Although I comprehend intellectually that God has given us a different extension of the calling we originally envisioned, I still fight flash backs and trying to understand.  I would be lying if I told you I don’t ever wonder how things would have turned out if Clara had never been born.

But when we snuggle in my bed, she likes me to tell her stories.  Sometimes they’re stories about my childhood pets -- Blacky, the birthday pony from my grandmother; Sasha, the puppy rescued in a snow storm; Snugs and Sly, the strange, co-dependent stray cats we adopted; Bun-Bun, the oversized Austrian rabbit saved from being made into a stew.  This time, she asks me to tell her favorite one: how SHE came to be.  “Well,” I start out cautiously, “Mommy and Daddy were getting ready to go to Indonesia.  One day, we found out God had given us a special surprise that we didn’t even know about.  It was YOU!”  She grins.  “So, I was like a present?”  “Oh yes,” I reply.  “One of the best presents I could ever ask for.”  A tear begins to trickle down my cheek.  “I wish I could be a better mommy for you,” I continue, “but God planned for you to be with us.  For some reason, no other family would be quite so lucky as to get the daughter of Clara Joy Peters.”  She sighs happily in my arms and gazes up at the ceiling.  “So I was a PRIZE!” she giggles.

This will be my reflection as I go into surgery within the next month (pre-op appointment is Nov 13).  We’re hopeful it will all be laparoscopic (the ovarian dermoids could require a surgery like a C-section, but the doctors won’t know until they get in there).  We’re hopeful that removing my gall bladder will improve the situation with my pancreas in the long-term.  But of course, no one can make any promises, and things don’t always go the way you hope they will.  If you had asked me 10 or 15 years ago where I envisioned myself now, it most certainly would not include many aspects of my current set of circumstances.

Full recovery could be anywhere from 1-6 weeks.  Holiday plans are highly uncertain and will most likely be low-key.  I haven’t even met my beautiful brown-eyed 3-month old niece in Michigan, and don’t see travel as a near possibility.  My heart aches with longing to hold her when I see her pictures.

  "Lil' Punkin" Sage Grace Matsos

We are blessed to have loved ones and our church family offering help and support, but we’re not exactly sure for what and when to ask.  Sometimes, making decisions and coordinating help can be overwhelming in itself.

But our ultimate help and hope is in God.  As uncertain as we were about Clara coming into being -- it did not surprise the Lord.  On the contrary, He gave us a one-of-a-kind little blessing who continually brings laughter and delight to our family (just the other night, she thanked God during bedtime prayers for “berry bushes and hippopotamuses”).  Though I sometimes feel certain dreams have been lost, new dreams are forming.  I dream of how God will develop Clara into a godly young lady who will stand strong for Christ and change the world.  I dream of my writing bringing hope and healing to others.  I relate with what Veronica Roth says in her new release Allegiant: “Life damages us, every one.  We can’t escape the damage.  But now, I am also learning this: We can be mended.  We mend each other.”  Of course, Jesus is the ultimate Mender of our souls.  And so I come to Him, humbly, and say: “I am broken, in more ways than one.  I need You more than ever.  Shape and mend me the way You desire, so my family and I can have the privilege of helping “mend” others -- for all eternity.”

“Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD; the fruit of the womb a reward from Him.” ~ Psalm 127:3

Our little 3-year old Princess :)