“You are a Savior and you take brokenness aside and make it beautiful.”
~ All Sons and Daughters
“I will look to the LORD; I will wait for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me . . . When I fall, I shall rise; when I sit in darkness, the LORD will be a light to me.”
~ Micah 7:7-8
The radiologist is shocked. “This is absolutely not a normal pancreas for a 35-year old female,” she told my Doctor. “However, her biliary tree looks beautiful and there’s no major sludge in the gall bladder.” My Doctor pauses. “I had actually hoped for sludge, so it would be an easy, open and shut case, but I don’t think you’re going to be that kind of patient” (I could have told her that!). “Our next step is genetic testing,” she explains. “We’ll look for cystic fibrosis and a host of other genetic diseases that could be contributing factors. After that, if nothing shows up, I’ll probably take the gall bladder since it’s most likely a culprit and then monitor the situation from there. But we have to figure out what’s causing the damage to the pancreas so we can prevent it from happening any more” (Translate: a whole lot of waiting and not knowing).
My appointment with my GYN is equally frustrating. The beautiful, blond ultrasound technician shows me my ovary on the screen. “There, on your right ovary, you see the dermoid cyst,” she explains. “Oh no, my tumor is on the left side,” I reply. “Hmmmm, let me check on that,” she says. As it turns out, I have one on BOTH ovaries, and the new finding is slightly bigger than the previous (15mm as opposed to 12mm, so still relatively small). My GYN says it’s not urgent, but they will not shrink or go away, and are still considered pre-cancerous or could rupture, so they’ll need to come out. The only problem is that they look entwined with your ovaries, so it may be difficult to remove them without taking the ovaries. “Oh, go ahead and take them!” I exclaim. “I’m not using them anymore.” “Actually, you are,” she says. “You need at least one for hormone production. If I take both, it will put you into a premenopausal state and possibly cause a host of new problems. I’ll still try to remove them laparoscopically, but if I can’t do so and leave you with one good ovary, we’ll have to open you up completely to carefully remove the dermoid with our hands.” As I’m processing this information, I ask, “Well, could this surgery be combined with a gall bladder removal?” Finally a piece of good news: Yes! Recovery time would be more intense and longer, but at least I’d only be facing one surgery instead of two, and they could use the same belly-button incision (along with about six other small incisions).
Meanwhile, I feel God tugging my heart. “Trust Me. Follow Me. Keep serving as you’re able until the time comes.” You know how when you’re waiting to get married, or have a baby, or some other significant event in your life? The waiting, and sometimes the not knowing, can be the most frustrating part. The same is true for me, but this time I’m resolved: I will not lay around the couch waiting for surgery. I will participate in life to the fullest of my capability (which still includes extra rest and boundaries). I will make memories with my husband and children, and push through the hard times as best I’m able. I will serve Jesus and His beloved Church and share His Gospel until He interrupts me and says, “It’s time for a Sabbatical, Vanessa” (though there’s still plenty of loving and ministry one can do at a hospital or from a bed!).
Last Saturday, our family decides on one last “hurrah” of summer rafting down the South Fork of the Shenandoah River with an Outdoor Adventure Company. The day is gorgeous -- sunny, but not too hot and mostly calm. We play games in the river and jump off the rope swing more times than we can count. We have splashing wars with the other rafts, and a few of my kids get close enough to jump ship and “invade the enemy.” While it’s just silly child’s play, my heart overflows with thankfulness to witness this moment: my kids being kids, living life passionately, laughing uncontrollably. I’m particularly encouraged by Caleb’s wide smile, as he tends to be more melancholic in personality. By the time we get home, I’m completely exhausted and go to bed around dinner time. But it’s worth it: no disease or sickness can steal the joy and memories of that day.
Click here to see a silly video of me on the rope swing:
This week, David’s gone from early Monday morning to late Friday night. He tries to keep his trips to 2-3 days primarily for my sake, but it simply isn’t possible this time. This is also the week that most of the kids’ activities begin: soccer, dance, gymnastics. By worldly standards, I should be fearful about what lies before me. But I have a strange peace that can only come from Jesus Himself: “So we say with confidence, ‘The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?’ ” (Hebrews 13:6).
Before David even leaves, God begins to provide for this time. I haven’t talked to my older brother, Nate, in a few months, and finally decide to call him. He says, “Oh, it’s interesting you called, because I’ve been up half the night reading your blogs.” He hasn’t checked his email in a long time, and just discovers that I’d been blogging about my health issues. He says he asked God to give him something to encourage me. He finally decides on one word: TENACIOUS. Oh, how that helps my heart! I often feel weak, like I should be able to “muscle” through these trials and pull myself up by my bootstraps even when I’m not feeling well. So when I’m not fully functional, I feel like a failure, and somewhat selfish (which is often true). For a loved one to affirm my perseverance is huge! Nate says something like, “I just wish I could do something to help.” Without really thinking about it, I reply, “Well, what are you doing next week?” (he’s a carpenter so sometimes his schedule is flexible). After I explain the situation, he says simply, “I’ll be there, sis.” So my brother, who’s never been to my home in Virginia, is driving down from Michigan today to help me for part of the week! Once again, I see God providing in ways I never could have expected. “Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever” (Ephesians 3:20-21).
Nate picking me up for a silly pic on his graduation day, 1992
In the meantime, there are set backs and heart aches. Yesterday, Hannah and two of her best friends are playing with and training our baby birds. A friend accidentally steps on one of them, and he ultimately dies (leading to another birdie funeral in our garden). As the girls all cry, I hold them and rub their backs and say, “This is really sad, and I’m so sorry it happened. But all living things die at their appointed time. Just because this terrible thing happened, doesn’t mean God’s not in control or doesn’t love us.” That’s when I realize the words coming out of my very own mouth (from the Lord) are actually meant for ME also!
The darker bird in front is the one that died. Caleb named him "Fire" in Indonesian
So, I say with a favorite singer, JJ Heller:
I don't know how to follow You without losing my way
Jesus come and take me by the hand
I don't know how to trust that You will do the things you say
Spirit teach me how to understand
That Your love can heal the wreckage of my soul
The beauty of Your light shining in me
I don't know when you'll take me home to paradise with You
The day when I will finally be free
Oh the day when You come back for me
~ “When You Come Back”
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